Making It Work #3 10 13 2010

I am not single. I am married but we are separated. I will not pretend nor act like I am single. I am focusing entirely on resolving the issues that led to this separation. But what if it was not me? What if I am just being blamed for it because there is no one else to blame? Am I a scapegoat? I can not express how horrible this makes me feel. But I will still resolve the issues that I am being blamed for

Making It Work #2 10 13 2010

Double standards suck. Basically, do not do something, that you would get mad at someone else for doing. Ya, that is what My Love is doing. I have to *behave*. So what does that mean? If I were to go out late at night to have some drinks with a woman who was an 'old friend' and make even a small attempt to not tell My Love about it, would that, from the outside, look like a date? Yes, it would even if it was not. Would that cause her to mistrust me? Would that cause her to doubt me? Yes and yes. It is the attempt at hiding it that raises the most assumptions. *Behaving* would mean not talking to certain people, not seeing other people and obviously, respecting the fact that while separated, we are still married which I am doing. Do these rules apply to both of us?

I have been asked if I want to "make this work." Well, obviously I do. I just need to see some reason from My Love to want to make this work. Tonight I was shown a reason to question it. I was shown a reason to question many things.
Yes she can go out with friends, but when she extends a courtesy to someone else that she could not even give to me, yes, I am going to wonder, I am going to have doubts is she wants to "make this work."

So what do i do? Do the same thing that she does just to prove a point about double standards? No. I am better than that, and also, there would be a trust issue there (justified or not). I have been giving her reasons to trust me. I expect the same. I do not want to give her reasons to doubt me. I will not do to her, what she does to me. No double standards.

I love you Sunshine.
Please show me a reason to want to make this work, and I will make this work. ♥

This Altar'd Life

http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=765509

Our stone altar, built, not completed, used nearly once. What will come of it in the months ahead?

To Kilt Or Not To Kilt

That is the question. I will be ordering a kilt, very soon. I have recently learned that I have choices. This is good. Choices of who to order from, choices of when & where to wear said Kilt. Nor this is not your grandfathers tartan, no... no formal plaid, pipe & drum band kilts here, I am speaking of Utility Kilts. The wonderful hybrid between cargo pants, and kilt. Typically constructed of some heavier duty material and bearing cargo pockets. There are some without adornments, or accessories, just the pockets and a label. There are some with the pockets and buckles & straps & snaps, looks utilitarian, looks kinda... steampunk-ish in a way. That would be the Kilt This kilt. That brings me the choice of when & where to wear the kilt. Every day, everywhere!! Yes, that is the only practical solution! Well maybe. There is work. I plan to be working in an office environment. I may have to ease them into the unbifurcated lifestyle slowly, like wearing it to an interview? Well, that is one of those times where they will either hire me right there, no questions asked, or they will not even proceed with the interview and show me the door (their loss). Tough decision. This decision is made easier by the style of kilt. Cargo pockets are not office attire. So I would choose the Kilt This kilt with the pockets on the inside, for a cleaner less 'cargo' look. Now, there is Kilt This's standard kilt (which looks kick-ass by the way) which would be for every day wear outside the office or in a more casual office.
I recently found Kilt This, purely by mistake, sorta. I was on twitter, and tweeted about possibly ordering a kilt (from someone else) I really did not know there was more than one maker of utility kilts. Soon after that I was tweeted at by Kiltthis. Ok, so who is this and why are they tweeting at me. I did what anyone else does, I looked at the profile. WINNER!! New place to go kilt shopping! Kilt conversation ensued. Marketing genius! (it worked on me). So if you are into kilts, or guys who wear kilts, follow them on twitter, and go check out www.kiltthis.com.

So, yes, wear the kilt everyday, everywhere. Be a man, take your pants off!

Making It Work #1 10 04 2010

Today, after doing something extremely stupid last night, I sent a text, to someone I should never speak to again, I deleted and blocked a few people from my life. It needed to be done, I wanted it this way really remove any temptation. I really need to, and will stop doing such stupid things. I also gave My Love, the passwords to everything. *IF* she wants to trust me, she can check on me, look at what I do ( she kinda was anyways). But she needs to offer some sort of trust in return, or else it is all pointless? Trust can only happen if both try, I am trying to offer it, letting her in to see everything, hiding nothing, when will this level of trying to trust come back to me?

Only Time Will Tell?

Separation has begun, My Love now is 800 miles away. I have a chance to make things right, or to make this work (what is "this"?) so I have been told. I have been told many things, some of which are conflicting, My Love's actions too, have been conflicting, I am so confused, and scared. I miss my love, with all my heart. I want nothing more in this world to make things right, for this current situation to not be permanent. I am scared. I know a few things I need to do, or not do. I am scared of being alone, not just alone, but without my sunshine. I did not fight the separation, I let her go, but I wanted to fight it, I wanted to make everything right, make things work, together. I do not know what the future holds, but I really am scared of what might come, and will do anything I can to prevent it, anything. I hate being in limbo like this, with so many things right now. I need to find work in MA or NH (preferably NH), I need to find a place to live up there, but I can not look anywhere, until I know where I will be working. I need to sell my house. What happens if I sell the house and have no place to go? I am stuck in limbo with this separation, 6 months, to do what? To show what? Small areas of my life need changing, small areas of hers need changing. Will they? On my end, yes. I will bend to her every wish, if it means making this work and we are Mr & Mrs once again. I can not do this alone, yet that is what I am left to do. I need to trust, she need to attempt to trust, but I must give her reason to. She needs to want to. She asks if I want this to work.. does she really need to ask?
So i am alone, forced to make changes, but so many obstacles keep coming my way.
Will there be a "you and I" an "us?" Only time will tell... I am scared of time right now.
She wants her space, I will give her that, as long as space does NOT mean blocking my totally out of her life. There are things she does not know that she needs to think on too, but i doubt she will, never really does until too late. That will lead to this being permanent, just one of the little things she needs to change, actually doing what she says she is, like thinking about something that she needs to BEFORE it is too late. Communication, works both ways, being open and honest with me, is all i ask of My Love. We agreed to work on being friends with eachother, this work takes both of us, not just me. Things like this dont just happen on their own.
I miss you My Love, my Sunshine, with all my heart, you are never not on my mind. I love you.

This will be my journal, of what happens over the next 6 months, things that happen, things I do, things I dont do. The first entry has been posted, lets see where we go with this? Only time will tell...

♥♥♥

Working Too Hard For Not Enough Money

FiremanPat

Thoughts and ramblings of a volunteer firefighter and paid EMT. I try to speak honest and true, and rarely pull punches!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2010

Working too hard, for not enough money...

Let me start this off by saying I love my job. I get paid to go to some of the coolest events there are, and have fun in the roles I perform while working. That being said, I wish that this job could be my only job, and be decently paid for doing it well. I have put in crazy hours, and the pay is only decent when I work overtime. So last week I put in 80 hours alone. Added to the 54 hours the week before, you'd think the paycheck would be good. Nope. All that work and I'll be lucky to crack 1200 bucks. Sad, and darn no one for hiring me full time. That's right, all this work as a PART TIME employee! *Sigh* Oh well... I apologize to everyone for not blogging here lately, but with the hours i am putting in at work, plus the hour and a half each way drive time, I hope I get some slack for it. I will do better to post more, and will also continue with the stories from my road trip soon! Hope everyone is well. Please never forget the events of September 11, 2001. 343!

tunnel to towers run

Not really sure if this will work... if it does, go check out this blog!

http://4fahrenheit.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/tunnel-to-towers-run/

CERTIFIABLE!

Balance? NO F'ING WAY!!!

Why is it that everytime something good happens, or I get good news, it MUST be followed um immediately with something bad. Just found out i have a broken transmission coolant line. Truck is a no-go. Great, just in time for Volante to be leaving, NO money for repairs and too much other shit to do this weekend! The good news was I have a job interview in MA, seems very promising. I can not be w/o a vehicle, so what happens, my vehicle goes down. Is someone trying to tell me something? Well, I must go put helping Volante pack on hold so i can fix my heep-I-mean-jeep.....