Friday, October 29, 2010

Trees And A Barn















I went to help a friend thin some trees from his property and went waling around to see what was there and this is what I found

Sunset
















Just a sunset i saw last night.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Generations: Fathers, Sons, Nephews
















Yesterday I did something with my dad that i had not done in about 15 years, to my best guess. It was something that was started way back in 1980, when i was 6 years old. He took me to a shooting range. It was something that we enjoyed doing and would often go out with the .22 and go shooting. sometimes at a range, sometimes at a sand pit and sometimes just while out for a walk in the woods. This has begun again with my nephew, dad's grandson, Colin. It wasnt always going out shooting that was the best part, it was being out with dad doing something together that was special about it. I did not see that then, but I do now. Colin does not see that now, but he will, I hope, sooner than I did.
Dad and I have gone our own ways, he and I see eye to eye on very few things. Looking back, in many ways he did raise me right, I have many of his "habits," some good, some well, we will just leave it at that. Things we agree to disagree on are matters of faith, lifestyle, finances and dress. All minor, issues. We go round and round, arguing about it. He gets stressed, I get stressed, nothing gets accomplished. We did this the other day, and damn near daily since i got here. Yesterday was different, yesterday reminded me of why I loved the time we spent together doing something we both love. We dont talk about anything, except for shooting. There are no differences of faith, he doesnt care what I ware, just that we are talking about guns and shooting. Peaceful, no arguing, just fun. I miss this. It makes me sad that I have not been able to keep doing this over the years. I was not allowed to for various reason and various people. The people that wouldnt let me are out of my life, other reasons are still there but can be over looked sometimes. I would love to continue this more often but now I find myslef moving 800 miles away. I do not know when I will be able to do this again. That worries me. Colin ejoys the time too, I think for different reasons, I hope someday he sees what I see in it. I would love to continue this tradition, of putting differences aside, to just be out together having a good time with my boys. Alex is almost the age when my dad started this with me, Kai there is a few years. When the time comes, I hope to also be able to take over for my dad with Colin. He barely knows his cousins, and I think this would be a wonderful way for them to get together.
I will remember this day for many many years, 3 generations, no arguing (ok, minimal arguing) out enjoying something that generations of fathers, sons, nephews, cousins and uncles have enjoyed for life times ago.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bucket

Bucket

Your Trust,
Just a drop
A flash of free fall
To the bottom of the bucket
Held in my hands
To drip drip drip

To catch every drop
A dance with the bucket
As they drip drip drip

There are so few drops
Each drip drip drip
precious as life

A life time goal,
to fill the bucket,
My charge,
To not spill a single drop
There will be no more
To drip drip drip.

A bucket of trust,
Mine to fill
Mine to spill
To do with as I will.

Never will I lose
A single precious drop
Nor drip
Nor drip
Nor drip


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Making It Work #4 10 13 2010

My Love and I talked. It was not what everything about it appeared to be? But it still looked like it. Still not 100% on this. But we did talk, well, I did more talking than her. We are not fighting, which is good. I still feel like I've been put in the center of a sensory deprivation chamber, spun around and told I have 5 seconds to find the door or i stay in there forever. Just a small sliver of light under the door would be a miracle of a blessing right now. My vague road map on a cross country journey.

Thank you for talking civilly with me this morning Sunshine.

I love you ♥

Making It Work #3 10 13 2010

I am not single. I am married but we are separated. I will not pretend nor act like I am single. I am focusing entirely on resolving the issues that led to this separation. But what if it was not me? What if I am just being blamed for it because there is no one else to blame? Am I a scapegoat? I can not express how horrible this makes me feel. But I will still resolve the issues that I am being blamed for

Making It Work #2 10 13 2010

Double standards suck. Basically, do not do something, that you would get mad at someone else for doing. Ya, that is what My Love is doing. I have to *behave*. So what does that mean? If I were to go out late at night to have some drinks with a woman who was an 'old friend' and make even a small attempt to not tell My Love about it, would that, from the outside, look like a date? Yes, it would even if it was not. Would that cause her to mistrust me? Would that cause her to doubt me? Yes and yes. It is the attempt at hiding it that raises the most assumptions. *Behaving* would mean not talking to certain people, not seeing other people and obviously, respecting the fact that while separated, we are still married which I am doing. Do these rules apply to both of us?

I have been asked if I want to "make this work." Well, obviously I do. I just need to see some reason from My Love to want to make this work. Tonight I was shown a reason to question it. I was shown a reason to question many things.
Yes she can go out with friends, but when she extends a courtesy to someone else that she could not even give to me, yes, I am going to wonder, I am going to have doubts is she wants to "make this work."

So what do i do? Do the same thing that she does just to prove a point about double standards? No. I am better than that, and also, there would be a trust issue there (justified or not). I have been giving her reasons to trust me. I expect the same. I do not want to give her reasons to doubt me. I will not do to her, what she does to me. No double standards.

I love you Sunshine.
Please show me a reason to want to make this work, and I will make this work. ♥

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This Altar'd Life


http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=765509

Our stone altar, built, not completed, used nearly once. What will come of it in the months ahead?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

To Kilt Or Not To Kilt


That is the question. I will be ordering a kilt, very soon. I have recently learned that I have choices. This is good. Choices of who to order from, choices of when & where to wear said Kilt. Nor this is not your grandfathers tartan, no... no formal plaid, pipe & drum band kilts here, I am speaking of Utility Kilts. The wonderful hybrid between cargo pants, and kilt. Typically constructed of some heavier duty material and bearing cargo pockets. There are some without adornments, or accessories, just the pockets and a label. There are some with the pockets and buckles & straps & snaps, looks utilitarian, looks kinda... steampunk-ish in a way. That would be the Kilt This kilt. That brings me the choice of when & where to wear the kilt. Every day, everywhere!! Yes, that is the only practical solution! Well maybe. There is work. I plan to be working in an office environment. I may have to ease them into the unbifurcated lifestyle slowly, like wearing it to an interview? Well, that is one of those times where they will either hire me right there, no questions asked, or they will not even proceed with the interview and show me the door (their loss). Tough decision. This decision is made easier by the style of kilt. Cargo pockets are not office attire. So I would choose the Kilt This kilt with the pockets on the inside, for a cleaner less 'cargo' look. Now, there is Kilt This's standard kilt (which looks kick-ass by the way) which would be for every day wear outside the office or in a more casual office.
I recently found Kilt This, purely by mistake, sorta. I was on twitter, and tweeted about possibly ordering a kilt (from someone else) I really did not know there was more than one maker of utility kilts. Soon after that I was tweeted at by Kiltthis. Ok, so who is this and why are they tweeting at me. I did what anyone else does, I looked at the profile. WINNER!! New place to go kilt shopping! Kilt conversation ensued. Marketing genius! (it worked on me). So if you are into kilts, or guys who wear kilts, follow them on twitter, and go check out www.kiltthis.com.

So, yes, wear the kilt everyday, everywhere. Be a man, take your pants off!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Making It Work #1 10 04 2010


Today, after doing something extremely stupid last night, I sent a text, to someone I should never speak to again, I deleted and blocked a few people from my life. It needed to be done, I wanted it this way really remove any temptation. I really need to, and will stop doing such stupid things. I also gave My Love, the passwords to everything. *IF* she wants to trust me, she can check on me, look at what I do ( she kinda was anyways). But she needs to offer some sort of trust in return, or else it is all pointless? Trust can only happen if both try, I am trying to offer it, letting her in to see everything, hiding nothing, when will this level of trying to trust come back to me?

Only Time Will Tell?


Separation has begun, My Love now is 800 miles away. I have a chance to make things right, or to make this work (what is "this"?) so I have been told. I have been told many things, some of which are conflicting, My Love's actions too, have been conflicting, I am so confused, and scared. I miss my love, with all my heart. I want nothing more in this world to make things right, for this current situation to not be permanent. I am scared. I know a few things I need to do, or not do. I am scared of being alone, not just alone, but without my sunshine. I did not fight the separation, I let her go, but I wanted to fight it, I wanted to make everything right, make things work, together. I do not know what the future holds, but I really am scared of what might come, and will do anything I can to prevent it, anything. I hate being in limbo like this, with so many things right now. I need to find work in MA or NH (preferably NH), I need to find a place to live up there, but I can not look anywhere, until I know where I will be working. I need to sell my house. What happens if I sell the house and have no place to go? I am stuck in limbo with this separation, 6 months, to do what? To show what? Small areas of my life need changing, small areas of hers need changing. Will they? On my end, yes. I will bend to her every wish, if it means making this work and we are Mr & Mrs once again. I can not do this alone, yet that is what I am left to do. I need to trust, she need to attempt to trust, but I must give her reason to. She needs to want to. She asks if I want this to work.. does she really need to ask?
So i am alone, forced to make changes, but so many obstacles keep coming my way.
Will there be a "you and I" an "us?" Only time will tell... I am scared of time right now.
She wants her space, I will give her that, as long as space does NOT mean blocking my totally out of her life. There are things she does not know that she needs to think on too, but i doubt she will, never really does until too late. That will lead to this being permanent, just one of the little things she needs to change, actually doing what she says she is, like thinking about something that she needs to BEFORE it is too late. Communication, works both ways, being open and honest with me, is all i ask of My Love. We agreed to work on being friends with eachother, this work takes both of us, not just me. Things like this dont just happen on their own.
I miss you My Love, my Sunshine, with all my heart, you are never not on my mind. I love you.

This will be my journal, of what happens over the next 6 months, things that happen, things I do, things I dont do. The first entry has been posted, lets see where we go with this? Only time will tell...

♥♥♥