Monday, November 15, 2010

Last Fire, Last Night Out

Too many pics to add here, but here are some links:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=2069581&id=1300364541
http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=2069584&id=1300364541

We had our last big fire in the pit last night. Was kinda bittersweet, it was fun with friends, food wine, then some quiet time with Mrs. Carlson by the fire. That part was slightly difficult. No more will we have the quiet privacy of being able to do that. We are moving on, Northbound if you will. This closes the chapter on this grand adventure and opens a new one. I can only hope for many more. We are now in the final stages of packing, (and lacking ambition at that too) as we are picking up the rental truck tomorrow and so starts the task of loading and finishing packing up what is left. It will be difficult leaving the driveway for the last time. It was home. It no longer feels that way, and has not for a while now. There is a feeling of "we dont belong here anymore" while here. The best way to describe it is this: while out and about, I have plans and energy and ambition to get things done, the moment I walk through the door all of that is gone. I look around and wonder where to begin and then just dont begin...
We are meant to leave this place. I do not like the fact that it will not be sold, but in other ways, I love the way WE are leaving here. I could not ask for more (thank you Volante, I love you, always).

2 nights ago we had a great night out with friends too. We went to Tir Na Nog in Raleigh for a few drinks and some good live music. Got heckled by the band, had interesting bathroom conversations and new answers to old questions. Ok, so now you are wondering "What..?" I shall explain.
First, as I returned from outside after a slightly awkward conversation with a dear friend, Volatne was waiting inside up near the front by the band. I walked up to her, spun her around and attacked her with a great kiss! The band [My 3 Kilts, Scott, Robert and Shane] noticed. Scott - "Just walk right up and kiss her on the mouth eh?" Me - "but she's my wife!" Robert - "somebody throw some water on them!"
While outside later, was talking to a seriously over dressed guy about my kilt and this is how it went: Over Dressed Guy - "so what DO you wear under the kilt?" Me - (after a bit of a pause with a smile) "my wife's lipstick" Over Dressed Guy - [shock and awe].
Much later on I ran into Robert (from My 3 Kilts) in the mens room. There was much drunken talk of Kilts and boots while at the urinal which continued on after hand washing and back out to the bar (Robert, I WILL get back to all 3 of you about playing in Boston or Manchester NH). Ya it was awkward, but fun, I liked his kilt.

It was 3 of us, mostly for the night, my self, Volante and our good dear friend Natalie.

Good times were had by all.

Another link of pictures from Tir Na Nog
http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=2069587&id=1300364541

A most excellent way to close things here and with that, I shall close this post.

Good Bye from NC, most likely my next entry will be from NH.

-Phoenix Fire

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Adventures afoot!

Our lives are a constant, change is the constant. Through the ebb & flow of good times and bad there is change. There are also adventures, little ones and big ones. Wandering Gypsie and I have had several of both. Life changing events are adventures, some adventures are meant to come to an end, others, are to be an endless jorney with rogue waves and calm seas. The storm is blowing its self out and we are on our way to calm seas but a new adventure may just be beginning. The adventures we have had, have been getting married, this is one that is an endless journey, also, the birth of 3 children, Martina in 2002, Alexandar in 2004 and Kai in 2009. These also are endless journeys, each an adventure in its own rite. When we moved our little tribe south to NC, this was the beginning of a new adventure, which now is coming to an end. The end will officially be next wednesday as we leave our driveway, for the very last time. I can not promise to keep my cheeks dry at that time. It is not an adventure i choose to end, but with it comes new ones. These new adventures come at the beginning of the second leg of our travels together. Our marriage, has had its ebbs & flows of good and bad. It took the worst of the worst of times for us to reconnect and continue, together. Our marriage is not new, but it is now a bold new adventure for us both. There is much exploring, of our selves and each other to be done along the way [ http://pheenyxsfyre.blogspot.com/2010/08/with-me.html ]. There is still a long journey ahead of us to take the time and explore the depths of 'us' properly. Who know what we may find in ourselves along the way.

This brings me to out next bold adventure. We will be living for a time with her parents. Quarters will be cramped, tempers may flare, but as a base camp to start a new adventure, I can not think of a better place. With the tight quarters comes a rock solid support system of family. They are chaotic and scattered, but they have always been there, for all of us. Our next move, may be the most daring for us and possibly the most fun. We will both be working, and looking for work in a new place. An island home, to raise our tribe, is what we are looking at. I have always felt a connection to the sea, not in the typical idyllic beachfront sense, no, but in the small coastal villages of sea side living. I do not wish to divulge at this time where we are looking, but I will say this, to live on a coastal island, sea breeze swept days, weather tempered by the sea where the children can be free to wander without fear is a dream I have always had.

Plans, choices and decisions. Plans seem to be more fluid and ever changing, so much more so than choices and decisions. We live with the choices we make, decisions we make shape our lives. It is the plans however, that guide us to these choices and decisions.

Our plans are not set in blue-gray granite; it is just an idea to explore, logistics to look into and decisions to make. These choices and decisions will come with time and planning. Gods only know where we will land once the winds stop blowing. No matter where it may be, on our feet we shall land, standing together as only a family can.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Making It Work #5 - Final



I have been neglectful of this line of posts. Sadly neglectful. Here it is nearly a month after my last post on this. Much has happened since the last post. There was one very teary phone call, an email with so much love in it that it made me cry and changed my life. The one thing I can and will quote, that sums it all up is this: "its just not home without you." This mean so much to me. We have mostly worked everything out, we are back together, in love and on our way to a good marriage. We each have our own things to change and work on. Only time will tell what happens with that, but we are now together to help eachother work on them, a nudge here, a gentle reminder there. This came very sudedenly and was a shock to me, it took me by such a surprise that it took a day or 2 for me to fully comprehend it. Working together to "make it work" truly is the only way it will work. This is love, forgiving, taking GIANT leaps of faith for the other. I recognize this. I see the giant leap of faith she has made here, I respect that, cherish that, and have just one more reason to love her for. My Love is now here, in NC with me (across the table from me at this very moment) to spend the final days here at this house, this house that we made home, for 5 years. This was home, but now, home, really is anywhere that we are together. Home is where the love is. Our final days are only the final days in this structure, and we are moving on to a bold new adventure, in living, in love and in life. I can make no promises of what the future holds, but if we have come out on the better side of this, the future looks promising. It is with great, nearly tearful happiness that I end my "Making It Work" posts. We have made it work in one sense, and we are still making it work in another.
True love is unconditional.

P.S.
My Love, my Sunshine, please remember what brought us here, what brought us to separation, and work at never letting this happen again to us. My fragile heart can not handle that again, it is on the mend, with help from your gentle touch.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Respect Faith.


I do not ask why you wear a symbol of a means of execution, or practice symbolic cannibalism every sunday, so please do not ask why I wear the symbol of the unity of the 5 elements and have an altar in my back yard. I will respect your faith for as long as you respect mine.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Trees And A Barn















I went to help a friend thin some trees from his property and went waling around to see what was there and this is what I found

Sunset
















Just a sunset i saw last night.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Generations: Fathers, Sons, Nephews
















Yesterday I did something with my dad that i had not done in about 15 years, to my best guess. It was something that was started way back in 1980, when i was 6 years old. He took me to a shooting range. It was something that we enjoyed doing and would often go out with the .22 and go shooting. sometimes at a range, sometimes at a sand pit and sometimes just while out for a walk in the woods. This has begun again with my nephew, dad's grandson, Colin. It wasnt always going out shooting that was the best part, it was being out with dad doing something together that was special about it. I did not see that then, but I do now. Colin does not see that now, but he will, I hope, sooner than I did.
Dad and I have gone our own ways, he and I see eye to eye on very few things. Looking back, in many ways he did raise me right, I have many of his "habits," some good, some well, we will just leave it at that. Things we agree to disagree on are matters of faith, lifestyle, finances and dress. All minor, issues. We go round and round, arguing about it. He gets stressed, I get stressed, nothing gets accomplished. We did this the other day, and damn near daily since i got here. Yesterday was different, yesterday reminded me of why I loved the time we spent together doing something we both love. We dont talk about anything, except for shooting. There are no differences of faith, he doesnt care what I ware, just that we are talking about guns and shooting. Peaceful, no arguing, just fun. I miss this. It makes me sad that I have not been able to keep doing this over the years. I was not allowed to for various reason and various people. The people that wouldnt let me are out of my life, other reasons are still there but can be over looked sometimes. I would love to continue this more often but now I find myslef moving 800 miles away. I do not know when I will be able to do this again. That worries me. Colin ejoys the time too, I think for different reasons, I hope someday he sees what I see in it. I would love to continue this tradition, of putting differences aside, to just be out together having a good time with my boys. Alex is almost the age when my dad started this with me, Kai there is a few years. When the time comes, I hope to also be able to take over for my dad with Colin. He barely knows his cousins, and I think this would be a wonderful way for them to get together.
I will remember this day for many many years, 3 generations, no arguing (ok, minimal arguing) out enjoying something that generations of fathers, sons, nephews, cousins and uncles have enjoyed for life times ago.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bucket

Bucket

Your Trust,
Just a drop
A flash of free fall
To the bottom of the bucket
Held in my hands
To drip drip drip

To catch every drop
A dance with the bucket
As they drip drip drip

There are so few drops
Each drip drip drip
precious as life

A life time goal,
to fill the bucket,
My charge,
To not spill a single drop
There will be no more
To drip drip drip.

A bucket of trust,
Mine to fill
Mine to spill
To do with as I will.

Never will I lose
A single precious drop
Nor drip
Nor drip
Nor drip


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Making It Work #4 10 13 2010

My Love and I talked. It was not what everything about it appeared to be? But it still looked like it. Still not 100% on this. But we did talk, well, I did more talking than her. We are not fighting, which is good. I still feel like I've been put in the center of a sensory deprivation chamber, spun around and told I have 5 seconds to find the door or i stay in there forever. Just a small sliver of light under the door would be a miracle of a blessing right now. My vague road map on a cross country journey.

Thank you for talking civilly with me this morning Sunshine.

I love you ♥

Making It Work #3 10 13 2010

I am not single. I am married but we are separated. I will not pretend nor act like I am single. I am focusing entirely on resolving the issues that led to this separation. But what if it was not me? What if I am just being blamed for it because there is no one else to blame? Am I a scapegoat? I can not express how horrible this makes me feel. But I will still resolve the issues that I am being blamed for

Making It Work #2 10 13 2010

Double standards suck. Basically, do not do something, that you would get mad at someone else for doing. Ya, that is what My Love is doing. I have to *behave*. So what does that mean? If I were to go out late at night to have some drinks with a woman who was an 'old friend' and make even a small attempt to not tell My Love about it, would that, from the outside, look like a date? Yes, it would even if it was not. Would that cause her to mistrust me? Would that cause her to doubt me? Yes and yes. It is the attempt at hiding it that raises the most assumptions. *Behaving* would mean not talking to certain people, not seeing other people and obviously, respecting the fact that while separated, we are still married which I am doing. Do these rules apply to both of us?

I have been asked if I want to "make this work." Well, obviously I do. I just need to see some reason from My Love to want to make this work. Tonight I was shown a reason to question it. I was shown a reason to question many things.
Yes she can go out with friends, but when she extends a courtesy to someone else that she could not even give to me, yes, I am going to wonder, I am going to have doubts is she wants to "make this work."

So what do i do? Do the same thing that she does just to prove a point about double standards? No. I am better than that, and also, there would be a trust issue there (justified or not). I have been giving her reasons to trust me. I expect the same. I do not want to give her reasons to doubt me. I will not do to her, what she does to me. No double standards.

I love you Sunshine.
Please show me a reason to want to make this work, and I will make this work. ♥

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

This Altar'd Life


http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php?id=765509

Our stone altar, built, not completed, used nearly once. What will come of it in the months ahead?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

To Kilt Or Not To Kilt


That is the question. I will be ordering a kilt, very soon. I have recently learned that I have choices. This is good. Choices of who to order from, choices of when & where to wear said Kilt. Nor this is not your grandfathers tartan, no... no formal plaid, pipe & drum band kilts here, I am speaking of Utility Kilts. The wonderful hybrid between cargo pants, and kilt. Typically constructed of some heavier duty material and bearing cargo pockets. There are some without adornments, or accessories, just the pockets and a label. There are some with the pockets and buckles & straps & snaps, looks utilitarian, looks kinda... steampunk-ish in a way. That would be the Kilt This kilt. That brings me the choice of when & where to wear the kilt. Every day, everywhere!! Yes, that is the only practical solution! Well maybe. There is work. I plan to be working in an office environment. I may have to ease them into the unbifurcated lifestyle slowly, like wearing it to an interview? Well, that is one of those times where they will either hire me right there, no questions asked, or they will not even proceed with the interview and show me the door (their loss). Tough decision. This decision is made easier by the style of kilt. Cargo pockets are not office attire. So I would choose the Kilt This kilt with the pockets on the inside, for a cleaner less 'cargo' look. Now, there is Kilt This's standard kilt (which looks kick-ass by the way) which would be for every day wear outside the office or in a more casual office.
I recently found Kilt This, purely by mistake, sorta. I was on twitter, and tweeted about possibly ordering a kilt (from someone else) I really did not know there was more than one maker of utility kilts. Soon after that I was tweeted at by Kiltthis. Ok, so who is this and why are they tweeting at me. I did what anyone else does, I looked at the profile. WINNER!! New place to go kilt shopping! Kilt conversation ensued. Marketing genius! (it worked on me). So if you are into kilts, or guys who wear kilts, follow them on twitter, and go check out www.kiltthis.com.

So, yes, wear the kilt everyday, everywhere. Be a man, take your pants off!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Making It Work #1 10 04 2010


Today, after doing something extremely stupid last night, I sent a text, to someone I should never speak to again, I deleted and blocked a few people from my life. It needed to be done, I wanted it this way really remove any temptation. I really need to, and will stop doing such stupid things. I also gave My Love, the passwords to everything. *IF* she wants to trust me, she can check on me, look at what I do ( she kinda was anyways). But she needs to offer some sort of trust in return, or else it is all pointless? Trust can only happen if both try, I am trying to offer it, letting her in to see everything, hiding nothing, when will this level of trying to trust come back to me?

Only Time Will Tell?


Separation has begun, My Love now is 800 miles away. I have a chance to make things right, or to make this work (what is "this"?) so I have been told. I have been told many things, some of which are conflicting, My Love's actions too, have been conflicting, I am so confused, and scared. I miss my love, with all my heart. I want nothing more in this world to make things right, for this current situation to not be permanent. I am scared. I know a few things I need to do, or not do. I am scared of being alone, not just alone, but without my sunshine. I did not fight the separation, I let her go, but I wanted to fight it, I wanted to make everything right, make things work, together. I do not know what the future holds, but I really am scared of what might come, and will do anything I can to prevent it, anything. I hate being in limbo like this, with so many things right now. I need to find work in MA or NH (preferably NH), I need to find a place to live up there, but I can not look anywhere, until I know where I will be working. I need to sell my house. What happens if I sell the house and have no place to go? I am stuck in limbo with this separation, 6 months, to do what? To show what? Small areas of my life need changing, small areas of hers need changing. Will they? On my end, yes. I will bend to her every wish, if it means making this work and we are Mr & Mrs once again. I can not do this alone, yet that is what I am left to do. I need to trust, she need to attempt to trust, but I must give her reason to. She needs to want to. She asks if I want this to work.. does she really need to ask?
So i am alone, forced to make changes, but so many obstacles keep coming my way.
Will there be a "you and I" an "us?" Only time will tell... I am scared of time right now.
She wants her space, I will give her that, as long as space does NOT mean blocking my totally out of her life. There are things she does not know that she needs to think on too, but i doubt she will, never really does until too late. That will lead to this being permanent, just one of the little things she needs to change, actually doing what she says she is, like thinking about something that she needs to BEFORE it is too late. Communication, works both ways, being open and honest with me, is all i ask of My Love. We agreed to work on being friends with eachother, this work takes both of us, not just me. Things like this dont just happen on their own.
I miss you My Love, my Sunshine, with all my heart, you are never not on my mind. I love you.

This will be my journal, of what happens over the next 6 months, things that happen, things I do, things I dont do. The first entry has been posted, lets see where we go with this? Only time will tell...

♥♥♥

Monday, September 27, 2010

Working Too Hard For Not Enough Money

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2010

Working too hard, for not enough money...

Let me start this off by saying I love my job. I get paid to go to some of the coolest events there are, and have fun in the roles I perform while working. That being said, I wish that this job could be my only job, and be decently paid for doing it well. I have put in crazy hours, and the pay is only decent when I work overtime. So last week I put in 80 hours alone. Added to the 54 hours the week before, you'd think the paycheck would be good. Nope. All that work and I'll be lucky to crack 1200 bucks. Sad, and darn no one for hiring me full time. That's right, all this work as a PART TIME employee! *Sigh* Oh well... I apologize to everyone for not blogging here lately, but with the hours i am putting in at work, plus the hour and a half each way drive time, I hope I get some slack for it. I will do better to post more, and will also continue with the stories from my road trip soon! Hope everyone is well. Please never forget the events of September 11, 2001. 343!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

tunnel to towers run

Not really sure if this will work... if it does, go check out this blog!

http://4fahrenheit.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/tunnel-to-towers-run/

Friday, September 24, 2010

CERTIFIABLE!

Balance? NO F'ING WAY!!!

Why is it that everytime something good happens, or I get good news, it MUST be followed um immediately with something bad. Just found out i have a broken transmission coolant line. Truck is a no-go. Great, just in time for Volante to be leaving, NO money for repairs and too much other shit to do this weekend! The good news was I have a job interview in MA, seems very promising. I can not be w/o a vehicle, so what happens, my vehicle goes down. Is someone trying to tell me something? Well, I must go put helping Volante pack on hold so i can fix my heep-I-mean-jeep.....

Progress!

News Everyone! (said in the voice of a certain Futurama character)
I have a job interview next week in MA! YAY, one step closer to getting up there. The best part is that it is also in Fire Protection, maybe not design/engineering, but I can work on them about that. They have no designer, they sub out their work to someone else. They are looking for Sprinkler and Fire Alarm sales. Kinda scared, I have never done that before. Oddly, talking to Peter Snow of S & S Fire Service was strangly confident. He had just seen my resume this morning and immediately called me as my resume "intrigued" him. He feels very confident that, with my background in fire protection that I would be very trainable for sales. Well shit! i'm glad he is confident! LOL Its a fairly new company, which is good, I have had a better time with the young companies than i have had with the establish "old guard" companies that have been around for 100+ years (yes there are a few of those in this business and I have worked for 3 of them). This does narrow down my search area for housing also. It is a little further away from NH than I wanted to be, but only 1 hour 40 min away from the area of NH that I will be going to often. This also helps in looking for Part Time work as an EMT too, I will know what ambo companies to look around at. Its no a lock, I dont have the job yet, but strangely I have a better chance of getting this job than I did getting a part time gig for $8/hr at Target, go figure!
Well, of to go have fun! Later!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

ME - Astrologically Speaking

My Sun Sign (most commonly referred to sign) is Cancer, yes i am a typical Cancer,
My Moon Sign is Leo
My Ascendant (peoples first impression of you) is Libra
Which means I have aspect of all three. The following is me in a nutshell (wow...thats a big nutshell...hate to see the size of that nutcracker!)


Planet Positions, Ascendant, & Houses

The following table shows the position of the planets in your chart, by sign and degree. On the right, you will find the sign of your Ascendant and the signs on the cusp of each house in your natal chart. The Roman Numerals refer to the houses, where the Ascendant is also the first house and the Midheaven is also the tenth house. For example, if the sign Taurus is next to Mars, you know your Mars is in Taurus. If the sign Libra is next to Venus, you know your Venus is in Libra. If Cancer is next to Ascendant, you have a Cancer Ascendant, and if Leo is next to II, Leo is on your 2nd house.


Zodiac in degrees 0.00 Placidus Orb:0
Sun Cancer 1.53 Ascendant Libra 15.24
Moon Leo 21.19 II Scorpio 12.26
Mercury Cancer 12.26 R III Sagittarius 13.46
Venus Taurus 27.22 IV Capricorn 18.12
Mars Leo 9.01 V Aquarius 21.46
Jupiter Pisces 17.33 VI Pisces 21.07
Saturn Cancer 7.27 VII Aries 15.24
Uranus Libra 23.41 R VIII Taurus 12.26
Neptune Sagittarius 7.36 R IX Gemini 13.46
Pluto Libra 4.06 Midheaven Cancer 18.12
Lilith Aquarius 4.46 XI Leo 21.46
Asc node Sagittarius 19.22 XII Virgo 21.07





Aspects

The following table shows the planetary aspects in your natal chart. Short interpretations are found below.



Planet Aspect Planet Orb/Value
Sun Conjunction Saturn 5.34 52
Sun Square Pluto 2.13 -69
Moon Sextile Uranus 2.21 99
Mercury Trine Jupiter 5.08 70
Mercury Conjunction Saturn 4.59 169
Mercury Square Ascendant 2.58 -40
Mercury Conjunction Midheaven 5.46 135
Venus Trine Pluto 6.45 19
Mars Trine Neptune 1.25 66
Jupiter Trine Midheaven 0.39 69
Saturn Square Pluto 3.21 -15
Uranus Conjunction Ascendant 8.17 21
Uranus Square Midheaven 5.28 -3
Neptune Sextile Pluto 3.30 8
708 -127 581




Asteroids & Chiron

The following table shows the positions of the four major asteroids and Chiron. These points are not as commonly used by astrologers, but are presented here for those interested in knowing where the asteroids are positioned in their birth chart.

Chiron Aries 23.54
Ceres Pisces 14.47
Pallas Aquarius 7.40 R
Juno Pisces 17.18
Vesta Libra 11.13
Fortune Aries 0.00
South node Aries 0.00

Natal Chart Report

Birth Chart

This birth chart report shows the positions of the planets for Eric Carlson .

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

Sun in Cancer

Sun in Cancer natives have a strong survival instinct. They are protective of those they care about, and of themselves too. They are often quite reticent about sharing their inner selves to the rest of the world, and are often caught up in reminisce. Cancers have a reputation for moodiness, although this trait is most evident when the Moon is in Cancer. Cancer needs roots. They resist change to an extent, and concern themselves about being secure and safe in most everything they do. Cancers can be quite intrigued by objects with history attached to them -- antiques, photos, souvenirs, and the like.

Cancer is a very sensitive sign, and they don't always appreciate it when you are blunt with them. Their reactions to hurt will depend on how thick a shell they have developed. Most Cancers react by withdrawing or retreating. Some have developed an ability to manipulate others to get what they want. They avoid direct confrontations almost as a rule. Cancers are, in fact, quite yielding and soft when you have them in the right mood. They are one of the more hospitable signs of the zodiac. Sure, they can be touchy and indirect, but they are also very dependable, caring souls.

Short description:

He weighs words carefully and is tenacious. A calm and discreet nature, tender, thoughtful, sensitive and impressionable.

Weaknesses: He is humble, timid, changeable, indecisive, lazy, over-sensitive. Easily influenced by the family and sometimes manipulative.

Cancer ascendant Libra

Sun in IX

You have a deep need to understand the world around you. You have high ideals and you have your eye on what's on the horizon. You are looking ahead, and at times can seem quite restless. You are proud of your knowledge and of your morals. Be sure to avoid self-righteousness in your enthusiasm to share your knowledge. When used correctly, you are a tolerant, adventurous, and curious person, and you want to see the best in people and in life.

52 Conjunction Sun - Saturn

It is easy and natural for you to accept responsibilities, to lead a rather ordered life, and to apply caution in your financial and business dealings. You rarely jump to conclusions or take uneducated risks. You have a certain amount of patience and enough self-discipline to slowly but surely achieve what you set out to do. Although somewhat undemonstrative, you are generally loyal and responsible people to those you care about. You take your time in most endeavors and generally use a step-by-step approach to most projects--but you steadily reach your goals. You are naturally trustworthy, and you don't have much patience for those who don't show respect for others, who take foolish risks, and who lead disorganized lives.

-69 Square Sun - Pluto

You may be prone to inner tension and negative, self-destructive behavior. When things are going well, you suffer from fears that something will come along to change that. Constantly worrying that the rug will be pulled from under your feet can easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You possess tremendous power and strength--when you learn to accept and use that strength, instead of fear it, you can be one of the most effective, insightful, helpful, and healing person around! At times, you can be intensely dissatisfied with your personal accomplishments and expressions of self. You put a lot of pressure on yourself regarding your own endeavors. You can be quite dissatisfied with your creative self-expressions, and want to hide your expressions from others until you feel the output is "right". This is largely due to a perceived inability to express or reveal your true personality to others. You struggle with a deep need to control yourself and life itself. You are especially sensitive to criticism, and feel the need to "redo" yourself often. There is a marked fear of losing control, and this might stem from some traumatic event in childhood, or the childhood might have been crisis-ridden or emotionally-charged in general. As such, you can be intensely fearful of, or threatened by, change. This can express itself through attempts to control your life in such a way that you can manage your fears of being taken off guard. Of course, this generally backfires! You have an intense need for privacy at times.

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.

Moon in Leo

Depending on other positions in the chart, Moon in Leo people are not necessarily outgoing. When they feel comfortable, they do like being the center of attention. That is, they like being in the "spotlight" in the comfort of their own homes and with family and friends. They enjoy entertaining others, and often take on the role of comic. Lunar Leos often feel a need to organize, and even control, their families and friends. They have an inner mission to set things right, and generally like to oversee the goings-on in their little circle.

This is a rather creative position of the Moon. At the very least, Moon in Leo people want to create and entertain. They can be rather lazy at times, and a little bossy too. Generally, though, they have a deep need to treat others fairly and justly. Lunar Leos require lots and lots of love and care in order to function well in the world. When they feel slighted, these people can be dramatic in their emotional displays. When their pride has been hurt, they are given to big scenes and sulking. This rarely happens in public, however. Lunar Leos are far too concerned about their image to make splashy scenes outside the comfort of their own homes. In public, they prefer to take things in dignified ways. At home, however, they're given to big displays of emotional drama. These scenes generally don't last too long, however. Lunar Leos are often personally popular folk who are valued for their integrity and strong sense of justice. Generally, it is easy to reason with a Lunar Lion. Appealing to their well-developed sense of fairness usually works well.

Short description:

He is brave and knows how to take risks, has the courage of his convictions, is honest , imposing and sharp. He has a great sense of, and respect for, justice. Organizational sense. Selectivity in friends, but is not overly influenced by them. Taste for splendor.

Weaknesses: changing and numerous affections. Emotionally demanding and proud. Brooding when attention is not forthcoming.

Moon in X

Changes of situation. He is frightened of getting old and tends to hark back to the past. Influenced by the father. Success often due to help from women.

This position of the Moon indicates an emotional need for recognition, popularity, acknowledgement, and achievement. You can be quite charismatic. You are at your emotional best when you lead a structured and responsible life, but it can take time to get there. You may change your goals and ambitions, and/or your profession frequently in an attempt to find the perfect fit. You may worry about living up to your image, or the expectations of your family. Decisions may be too emotionally biased, or you might act on emotional whims far too often. Learning to set your own heartfelt goals is the challenge here, as it is unlikely you will find true happiness if you follow or adopt the expectations of others, which you are especially sensitive to.

99 Sextile Moon - Uranus

He is imaginative and has the Moon's intuition complemented by Uranus' independence and originality. His life is out-of-the-ordinary, with lots of changes and a great knowledge of the world not through reading but through personal experience. He likes the sensational, new things. He acts instinctively, but fortunately has a good sixth sense. He likes to be surrounded by original people, artists.

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.

Mercury in Cancer

He communicates with feeling, endearing others with words. He is reflective and has one of the best memories around. He feels people out and is quick to pick up emotions and moods. He is discerning and is full of insight, is lucid, and thinks things through. He likes to please and to create a good impression. There can be a strong tendency to be influenced by those around him.

Mercury in IX

His thirst for knowledge is never satisfied. He is full of mental activity. He undertakes exhaustive studies, always studying for pleasure. Likes journeys to faraway places, and can go to live abroad.

You are eternally curious and hunger for knowledge. You enjoy studying and learning, and do it not because you have to, but because you want to. You enjoy exchanging ideas and personal philosophies with others. You can be especially buoyant, enthusiastic, and even inspiring in your communications. While you may not pay enough attention to details, you are skilled at finding a quick solution to problems. You readily see the bigger picture and enjoy sharing your opinions and ideas. You get off on how information affects people's lives, and you take great pleasure in learning that something you have shared or taught has inspired others to take action, experience something new, or make changes in their lives. Some of you might be too quick to offer advice, however, that might be lacking in thoroughness and practicality, or that you yourself don't follow.

70 Trine Mercury - Jupiter

He is intelligent, has big ideas: he is tolerant and has a strong sense of justice. He has good judgement, good sense and has his feet on the ground. He has the "gift of the gab", and likes to speak, he also likes literature. He is erudite and will normally be successful socially.

169 Conjunction Mercury - Saturn

-40 Square Mercury - Ascendant

He may criticize and gossip, arguing frequently and ofen nervous. Without even realizing it, he might look for or instigate a verbal battle, and is provoking.

Communication is very important to you, and your mind is sharper and more creative when you have a partner you can bounce your thoughts and ideas off of. You are an excellent conversationalist and can fascinate your partners with your sharp mind. You love to debate issues just for the mental exercise, even if you don't feel strongly about the position you argue! You play devil's advocate often, and your ideal partner understands that your debates are, in fact, mental exercises--certainly not attacks! You are also prone to exaggerate or stretch the truth when trying to make your point, especially when it comes to your own background or experience.

In your close relationships, your partner serves as a mirror, reflecting your thoughts and ideas back to you from a different perspective. You are rather independent and will not allow anyone to restrict your freedom, but you love to talk things out before arriving at a decision. Truth is, you won't always take others' advice! However, you do enjoy looking at problems from all sorts of different perspectives. You may choose partners who are considerably younger than you, or who are not as academically smart as you. Conversations with you are always stimulating and lively. The ability to share your thoughts with a partner is vital to your sense of fulfillment in a close personal relationship.

135 Conjunction Mercury - Midheaven

He likes to have his own ideas about things, to form an opinion and think over the problems it poses. He is an intellectual.

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.

Venus in Taurus

Love for Venus in Taurus centers on the physical world and creature comforts -- they revel in sensual surroundings. These people project themselves as solid and comfortable. In fact, something about their manner promises they will be satisfying lovers and partners. They need a certain measure of predictability and dependability in their relationships, even if their Sun is in the more spontaneous signs of Aries or Gemini.

Venus in Taurus men and women can be possessive in love, and they are threatened by fast-paced, high-energy situations in the context of relationships and love. These are sensual partners who require lots of "hands-on" expressions of love. Their lovers may complain that Venus in Taurus can get a little too comfortable and settled. It's true that they resist change in their relationships, but even when they seem stuck in a groove, you can always reassure yourself by remembering that they are constant partners. Pleasing Venus in Taurus involves emphasizing your loyalty, and their worth to you. You may need to give in to them in love matters, because they won't readily give in to you! Get physical with them; do comfortable things. Avoid pushing them in love -- give them plenty of time. You will probably need to cultivate patience if you are in a relationship with Venus in Taurus. Remember to be simple and natural -- Taurus will appreciate it. Promise them a comfortable, cozy time. Love arrives slowly, without passion but with force.

Venus in VIII

Not frightened by the unknown, death. He has a peaceful and happy end. Natural and late death. Possible inheritance.

Intensity is what you seek in your love relationships, so that casual encounters are not necessarily your game. You are easily bored with mechanical interactions between partners, and might prefer drama in your relationships to anything mundane or superficial. However, you also fear being vulnerable in love, and, in youth, you may control your emotions in love. Fears of being betrayed may be at the heart of your somewhat jealous and possessive nature in love. When you give yourself over to love, you love wholeheartedly and expect all-consuming, total devotion and attention in return. You find passion a healing force in your life. Your charm runs deep--just below the surface. You are attracted to all that is taboo, hidden, forbidden, and find beauty in the broken, disenchanted, obsessed, and passionate. In some cases, people with this position might make a business out of love, romance, and eroticism. There is an intensity about you that others pick up readily. Either they run or they are completely intrigued!

19 Trine Venus - Pluto

His emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. He lives out truly passionate love affairs.

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars in Leo


This is one of the more sexual positions of Mars. While they are rather easy to arouse, their passion is long-standing. Mars in Leo natives enjoy sex more than most, as long as heavy doses of love and romance are part of the package. In partnership, they demand loyalty and admiration. Impatient with small-mindedness and disloyalty, Mars in Leo natives generally have a strong idealistic streak. They easily get fired up when they feel they've been humiliated, and they defend their high principles with ardor. Mars in Leo natives act with their heart. Their ego is tied up with their actions, so that most anything they do becomes a source of great pride. Though some are self-righteous and quarrelsome, the more sophisticated people with this position are kindly leaders.

Mars in X

He devotes lots of energy to work, which continues till a great age. He is a dedicated worker, not afraid of getting down to it. He improves his living conditions. He can complete long-term tasks. He is easily excitable, gets upset and in the same vein criticizes even himself.

66 Trine Mars - Neptune

His feelings are dominated by wisdom and geared towards the ideal. He likes water, sea voyages. He likes odd people.

Jupiter represents expansion and grace.

Jupiter in Pisces

He attracts the most good fortune when he is charitable, tender, devoted, compassionate, looks out for the underdog, and is giving. Values compassion and charity, and is motivated by a universal vision. Peaceful personal philosophy. Faith in the goodness of life brings rewards.

Jupiter in V

He likes games and distractions. He has passion which lights up his days. He is lucky in love, but also professionally, with pleasant working conditions and duties. He loves his children and gets much enjoyment from them.

69 Trine Jupiter - Midheaven

He is a high liver, likes to have fun but knows what he wants and does whatever necessary to get it. He wants to - and does - succeed socially. After a hard day's work, a good well-lubricated meal in the company of friends is just the ticket.

Saturn represents contraction and effort.

Saturn in Cancer

May feel fundamentally unloved and unsupported, but can miss opportunities to receive support because of the basic attitude that he isn't going to get love.

Saturn in IX

He is studious, patient, rigorous, austere. He likes reflection, meditation. He carries out all the plans he makes. He is a stay-at-home.

-15 Square Saturn - Pluto

He is not open to others' ideas, especially if they are free-thinking. He is an egoist and has a narrow mind.

Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.

Uranus in Libra

Well-developed artistic leanings. His balance can be upset by too great an independence.

Uranus in I

He is above all independent and original. Sometimes blunt and irritable. Never lets himself be influenced. He does not tolerate any sort of setback. He is ready for adventure, even though it's risky.

21 Conjunction Uranus - Ascendant

He is always changing, is unstable. He is ready to innovate, to change everything. He is inventive.

-3 Square Uranus - Midheaven

He cannot carry through his plans, schemes to the end. These are changeable. He lacks forethought, attention. He throws himself into things, more than reacts to them.

Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.

Neptune in Sagittarius

Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.

Neptune in II

He may prefer not to attach too much value to money, but if this is overdone, there can be quite a few problems in life concerning money and ownership. He might make money through artistic pursuits, but must avoid the potential pitfalls of putting too much faith in ideas that don't have enough grounding in reality. Financial advice is important to obtain.

8 Sextile Neptune - Pluto

Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.

Pluto in Libra

Looks for new ways to relate to others.

House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.

Cancer ascendant Libra

Ascendant in Libra

Everybody seems to like Libra Ascendant natives. They just come across as nice, pleasant, and fair. Look a little closer at their lives, and these nice people may have had quite a few problems in their relationships. Some of them have had a string of relationships, and it can be hard to imagine why! These natives attract others to them effortlessly. Besides, they simply don't know what to do with themselves without a significant other. Libra rising generally appear to be smoothing everything over. They have charming smiles, a gentle approach with others, and an easygoing image. Even if they were not endowed with good looks, they are attractive. Most pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance -- the colors they wear, their hair, the way they walk.

Libra rising people can be enormously persuasive, although they will almost always use a "soft sell" approach when they want to win others over, which is all of the time! A tendency to pass the buck and keep up that "nice guy/gal" image are their worst qualities. However, they can make excellent mediators and will generally be the first to accommodate you. Libra rising natives are usually attracted to competent, active partners. Their relationships are often characterized by bickering or competitiveness until they learn to drop their sweet image once in a while and to stop blaming their partners for everything that goes wrong.

House II is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions.

House II in Scorpio

Financial success may come through handling other people's money and resources or thanks to an inheritance. Financial ups and downs are very possible, but in later life, finances can be substantial. Private about revealing his worth.

House III is the area of social and intellectual learning.

House III in Sagittarius

He will study for a long time, will be erudite. Very intelligent, an open and independent spirit, will have a connection with foreign countries. Fertile intelligence.

House IV is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth.

House IV in Capricorn

After working all his life to obtain his objectives and finally having reached that goal, he wants to retire in peace and quiet and to have a retirement full of contemplation, with few tasks, close to nature. As he was very careful with money all his life, he will administer the properties he has acquired.

House V is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling.

House V in Aquarius

Doesn't like routine and the banal. He is romantic, full of fantasy and imagination. He is also a friend one can count on.

House VI is the area of learning by material transaction.

House VI in Pisces

Job in commerce. Weak point: the kidneys.

House VII is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action.

House VII in Aries

Love-at-first-sight, marries without thinking. Doesn't want to change his habits, so domestic quarrels to be foreseen.

House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul.

House VIII in Taurus

Happy old age, natural death. Inheritance.

House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity.

House IX in Gemini

Likes studying, is open to anything new, accepts and recognizes his errors, always develops in a positive sense. Likes travel, discovery, meeting new people and knows how to appreciate them.

House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older

House X in Cancer

Likes contact with the public, the crowd. Profession that involves meeting a lot of people. Professional success thanks to sense of duty and application to his work.

House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security.

House XI in Leo

Friends are not always chosen by chance. Even if the feelings of friendship are sincere, these friends must automatically bring something - professional help for example.

House XII is the area of education and of emotion.


House XII in Virgo

Work in a research lab.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Star Gazing




Star Gazers, for the only star I gaze upon.

I love you, Sunshine!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

JOB SEARCH SITES SUCK PICKLED MILKSHAKES!

Hey job search sites, YOU SUCK PICKLED MILKSHAKES!!

I have been doing job searches daily on various job search sites. I accomplish very little. Here is a typical scenario that JUST happened AGAIN today. Yes I will use real names here.I went on to indeed.com, found a potential job to apply to that does fall into a particular niche career that I have had. Until today I had not heard of indeed.com but someone from the unemployment office suggested it. So I click on the big shiny "Apply Now" button...WHOA... wait, what? Now I am at the log-in screen of snagajob.com. That's not what I wanted. So to continue further, to be ABLE to apply to he job I now have to sign up for snagajob.com. This means filling out all the same info as a job application, including uploading my resume. Yes, this process IS annoying! Here is where I really start to boil. Now that I have filled out essentially a job application, I can finally go to the job I was trying to apply for. So now I have to enter all the same info I JUST entered moments ago. Ok people, we HAVE the technology... when I am logged on to a job search (and I use that term loosely) site and I click "Apply Now" you have all the info the application is looking for, please auto-fill! I am really tired of doing 2 applications per job. So now that I have "applied" for said job, I get about 6 emails a day from each of these "job search" sites. Guess what they are sending me? Resume services, tips on resumes, tips on how to FIND a job(?) tips on how to interview, (and my favorite) ads, for schools, for job training. Ok, when you have been unemployed as long as I have (14 months) there is NO money for school. School is NOT income, school is NOT a job, school is NOT a career. Please stop sending me advertisements for schools when I am (obviously) looking for EMPLOYMENT! In 3 hrs time, I can average 3 jobs successfully applied to. This is supposed to be more efficient? I think I'll stick to craigslist.org at least they dont have me sign up for another site every time I click on something.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Life in a box: Moving Sucks




I really hate moving. I've done it so many times that I could be good at it. The hassle and confusion and mess of it. It is tedious tiring work. That is just the physical side of it. The emotional side of it so much harder. When I was renting, which has been pretty much from 1996 to 2005, too many places to remember. A few months here or there is ok, but when you can count years at a place, it gets harder. Harder still is when we became home owners. You start finding things you forgot or things that bring up so many memories digging through your life and putting it in a box. Seeing the empty walls, empty rooms, leaves a very empty feeling. All the work, time, money and effort put into making a house home, suddenly feels like such a waste of time. Apathy starts too, nothing around the house seems worth fixing anymore. Yard work is pointless.
This time, for me, the hardest part is the kids. They have been visiting their grandparent up north, since july. At that time, we were not moving, no plans on it. Since then much has changed. We started painting inside, for our selves, not for resale value. Our 8 year old daughter will never once get to see her room, finally painted, in her favorite color, green With purple curtains. Then there is our oldest son, we moved here when he was 8 months old, this is the only home he has known. No one told him, (or us) that the day he left to go up north (for the summer) would be the last time he would see home. Never again would they go walk in the woods looking for bear caves or play in the yard with his cars.
Covering their "art work" on the walls, needs to be done, but i just dont want to. I dont want to pack all his toys, its too hard to think of it that way, that he will never see the only home he knew, as much as it hurts, i cant stop thinking of it that way. Putting our lives, in cardboard boxes, with tape and newspaper... Ya, moving hurts. I hate it.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Stop My World

Every time you tell me "I love you"
You stop my world.
My world does not stop very often.
This time, when you told me "I love you"
You stopped my heart.

Loss Of Words

I wish I had the words for the the way I feel
when I see you and notice how beautiful you are.
I wish I had the words for the the way I feel
when I hold you
I wish I had the words for the the way I feel
when you hold me.
I do not have adequate words for the way I feel
when I am with you

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A Phoenix's Relationship

Relationships are the true Phoenix's of the world. Sometimes, they crash and burn. Never to rise again. Other times they rise from the ashes and emerge stronger. It just depends on the spirit of the relationship and the motivations for the rebirth.

(From my dear friend)
{WINGMAN}

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Overhaul

So what if it wasn't broke and you didn't have to fix it. That doesn't exempt you from performing routine maintenance. If you want something to endure, you have to invest and sacrifice time and effort. Everything wears down in time even if we are diligently, sincerely working on the upkeep. That means our lives as well. C'mon, pull into the "Prayer Shop" and see if your life needs an "overhaul". The bill is on me.

(From my dear friend)
{WINGMAN}

My Blue Window


A window into the soul of a child.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Who has the time?




Time to watch the sun watch us. Is that why they call a time piece a watch?

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Decoration Tree (Part 2)


These Lovers did part, but never really parted ways. They each lived, on their own. While on their own, they tended to the two small, similar clippings, watered, fed it, made sure it lived, gave it sun and space to grow. Time passed, the spring sun shown down on this growing tiny tree, each placed it outside to enjoy the warm spring air, in hopes of new leaves budding to life on the tiny tree. The leaves did come and growth did happen. he often thought fondly of his parted lover every time he watered and fed his tiny tree and noticed how it had grown, he had hopes for the tree. She also, often remembered her parted lover, when seeing how the tree had grown, she too had hopes for her tiny tree. As the tiny trees grew, no longer so tiny, but growing nearly half as tall as the lovers were. For time to time, the lovers did meet, but not always as lovers, but as friends. This friendship was the kind that could grow, while together, any tree. Summer came to where the lovers did live, on their own, the leaves of their not so tiny trees grew full, as they met frequently to admire the others tree. They had hopes for their trees. Fall was drawing near, leaves fell, silent on the floor in the warmth of the home, in the sunny window each kept the little tree in, bigger and still bigger pots were soon needed, its roots did grow.
Soon, as time passed, but not so long, the lovers did meet, and see the others tree, it was nearly as tall as she was, and she smiled at how well he had taken care of his little tree. he would ask, frequently, as before, "is it time yet?" Yes, the time had finally come for the plans for the little trees. They had both, grow so well. It was a day for planting and growing, for the tree, and the lovers. They both, with dirty hands, dirty knees, dug the perfect hole to place their trees in, side by side. They watered, fed and cared for their trees together. He would, as before, pull the grass from the trees, side by side, to make sure they grew healthy and strong. Soon, time passed, but not so long, the trees, wound, to and fro round and round one another, until the two small, similar clippings, given as a parting gift for lovers parting, grew as one, but with two distinct trunks. The tree had plans for the lovers. She often looked at how the tree grew, and smiled. He often, saw how the tree grew and also smiled. The tree grew quickly, before long, it was a beautiful tree, many times taller than the lovers were, giving shade to lie under, and protect the lovers. The two decoration trees did grow, as did the lovers, to never part again, yet with two distinct trunks. The tree provided for the lovers, given as a gift, a few times over as a decoration, to decorate their lives.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Decoration Tree (Part 1)


Two Lovers were given a small clipping of a tree. This clipping was used as a decoration, a lovely decoration it was. She wanted to bring it home and keep it. The clipping still in water, started to sprout leaves. An idea she had, to nurture and grow this young tiny tree. As it grew, a larger and larger pot was needed, he would from time to time lovingly replant, feed and water this tree, often asking,"is it time yet?" The time he was asking of was the time to plant it, in their yard, with hopes of shade and beauty from this tree. As months became years, only a couple, the perfect time came. It was a day of planting, and cultivating, a new garden, to replace the old, a new place for a young tree that was too big for its pot now. tiny clipping stood nearly as tall as her. Often he would water, and feed the tree and pull the grass from around it to give it room to grow so that nothing would steal vital nutrients from it. As late summer came, the lovers were to part. As a final parting gift, he clipped 2 similar branches of this tree they both careD so much for. He told her "one for you, one for me, maybe they will both still grow to be another tree." The two lovers did part, with a piece of the decoration tree in hand. Both cared, on their own for the small clipping from the Decoration Tree, and it did grow again to be a tree.

To Save

If you had the training, the skills, to save a life, would you save the life of someone that has caused you great harm? I would.

Random Thought 4

Do not shield nor protect me from the truth, no matter how much it hurts to hear, lies and deceit will always hurt more.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Addiction

The love and affections of a spouse is a harder addiction to break than any drug

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Goodbye Sweet friend




Diana, you were a troubled dog, you loved the kids, you loved me, we all loved you. You were the definition of unconditional love. You will be missed. You already are.
GET THE BUG!!!